Family Life

By Katie Parsons

Family Life in Lockdown

The snow came just in time. Having felt for several weeks that lockdown life was fine, if not exciting, this weekend boredom finally hit hard. We nosedived. Sledging and having some real snow to play in was just what we needed -  to do something different after what I calculate to be about 25 weeks of lockdown. Two years ago the thought of being required by law to stay at home with our families for months would have seemed like the plot of teen dystopian fiction. It’s pretty real now, third time around…

I asked friends with all different family situations how lockdown has been and it has been a joy to hear back from them. Below is a general summary of all of our experiences and some timeless wisdom from God’s word about how to make the best of family life as lockdown continues.

Celebrating the Good

Walks: Who knew we would all enjoy walking so much?! Getting some fresh air, discovering new local places and experiencing a full range of weather outdoors.

Spending more time together: family life usually involves rushing in and out to get everyone where they need to be when. Over the last twelve months, playing games, watching films and getting to know each other more has been a result of not having much else to do. This becomes more special when you realise that your children won’t be little for much longer, or even still living at home for many more years.

Slowing down: Am I the only one who doesn’t want life to be exactly like it was before, being busy all the time?

Appreciating the small things: Some adult company in the form of a FaceTime or walk with a friend is such a treat. Memories of a summer holiday we were able to have give us a warm glow still. Seeing family & Church family on Zoom may not be as good as the real thing but it’s better than not seeing them at all. The last twelve months have made us appreciate so many things we used to take for granted.

Enduring the Bad

Home Schooling young children: This has definitely been a recurring theme in what people have found challenging. It is something that needs its very own blog post…

A third lock down, during winter:  It’s a lot harder than the first time back in March when the weather was lovely and we all felt it was a one off that would solve the problem.

Different family situations have different challenges: Seeing older parents deteriorate through being isolated; feeling starved of adult company; the constant noise/ mess/ demand for food or even the word MUM! endlessly repeated throughout the day. Worrying about how children are feeling - especially teenagers.

Realising our own failings: The lockdown gets to us all and at different points we’ve all probably lost it and shouted at each other – and then felt bad about it afterwards.

Make the Main Thing the Main Thing

Instead of feeling crushed by not meeting our own expectations, maybe lockdown is a good time to decide what the important things are in family life, and aim for those.

The Bible says that God has given us our children as a gift. As a Christian, my first priority as a parent is to remind my children that they have a Heavenly Father who loves them & a Saviour who has died for all their sin. We can remember this for ourselves when we feel like we’ve blown it again.

If our children know that we love them, that we’re doing our best to look after them even though we don’t always get it right, and we try to keep their bellies full (sometimes impossible!) then those are the main things in place.

Why is it so Hard?

The Bible reminds us that we are all sinners ‘There is no one who is righteous – not even one.’ Romans 3:10.

This explains why, despite our best intentions we lose it and say awful things, our toddlers have tantrums, stubborn ‘pupils’ refuse to co-operate, teenagers do all of the above, Dads are impatient and Mums are cranky. We are 2/3/4/5 or more sinners all trying to share a house together, all the time!

God sent Jesus into the world to rescue it because he knows that we are all of those things and worse, and we are unable to fix ourselves. There will be disappointments in family life - during lockdown, and when this is all just a memory, because human beings are flawed.

An Opportunity to Grow:

We can learn to say ‘I’m sorry’ more frequently: Family life in lockdown presents many opportunities for this!

We can learn to pray: for ourselves, for our children, and for a way forward beyond the pandemic

We can realise that we are not in control of the present or the future: this may seem like a scary realisation, but when we reach the end of our resources, ask God for his help. That is better & safer by far than before all this when we thought we were in control.

Final Thoughts

Some highlights during lockdown have been surprises & events which have broken up the monotony. If you have any energy left to be creative, then a night time glow stick disco, a trip to the beach (when it’s legal!), or a black tie dinner can make memories that will stay with your children. And let’s be grateful that the winter of ’21 brought snow!

This pandemic will not go on forever, although right now it may seem endless. When one of my son’s was feeling disgruntled on a Sunday evening I reminded him that he was living through history. He didn’t seem to find my words very powerful, but I think about it sometimes and that thought makes the monotony seem a little bit more exciting. And who knows, maybe when we’re busy with different family commitments when normal life resumes, we will look back and miss some things about family life in lockdown.

How to make every moment count - by Tom Parsons

Are your lockdown days blurring into one? Do you feel like life’s on pause, yet also racing by?

The American writer Annie Dillard wrote,

‘How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives.’

So here goes with some suggestions about staying focused on God each moment through five phases of the lockdown day.

#1 The morning re-boot

I remember a staff discussion at a previous church. What was our first thought on waking?

The Rector would say to himself, ‘It’s another day of adventure on Planet Earth with Jesus Christ.’ Another colleague reminded himself that Jesus could return that very day.

Then a team member spoke for those of us, who were beginning to feel slightly inadequate: ‘To be honest, I hear my alarm, groan, and think to myself, “Agh! Surely it can’t be morning already!”’

We can’t help our first waking thought. But we need a strategy to seize the next one for God. Try memorizing a short Bible phrase and make it your go-to reference point for that crucial second thought. How about,

‘His mercies are new every morning; great is his faithfulness’? (Lamentations 3:22-23)

Or if you need a jump start, here’s a good line:

‘Wake up, O sleeper, and rise from the dead and Christ will shine on you.’ (Ephesians 5:14)

It’s hope that gets us going in the morning. And with God around, there is always hope. So get up, get clean, get dressed and get on, in sure hope that he has plans for your lockdown day.

And find a few precious minutes in these first waking hours to read the Bible and to pray. Look out for another blog post on how to establish and develop that habit in your life. 

#2 Listening to the news

Your favorite radio station, the TV breakfast news, the paper – before long, the outside world comes flooding into your consciousness. It’s vital to put a sandbag at the doorway of your soul.

Here’s how. Keep this mighty biblical statement in your mind throughout the news: The Lord reigns.

It’s certainly important to be informed. But if we let national and international events govern our minds and emotions, we’ll forget this most basic truth. Again: The Lord reigns.  

He knows everything, he holds everything and he will judge everything. You are safe in his hands. So don’t fear what others fear or complain when they complain.  

And – whilst we give thanks for human solutions like the vaccine – make sure your hopes are fixed on God above all.

#3 The daily grind

You’re up and informed. Now what? It depends:

Are you in paid employment; or home-schooling your children; or retired and missing your usual routine; or kicking your heels on furlough; or without a job and anxious about the future?

Whoever you are, make a plan! A plan is ‘a net for catching days’ (that’s Annie Dillard, again).

Yours plan might be on paper on just in your head. In any case, here’s a verse that can give shape and significance to every scheduled activity:

‘Whatever you do, whether in word of deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus…’ (Colossians 3:17)

You’re due to take part in a Zoom meeting, start a jigsaw puzzle, cook dinner or go out for exercise? As you start each task, train yourself to pray, ‘Father, show me how to glorify Jesus in this activity.’

Then set about it, conscious that Jesus is right there with you as you feed the cats or (try to) explain long division to your children. And when you shop or make a cup of tea, do it as if catering for Jesus himself.    

#4 Reaching for the evening comforts

Many of us have an evening pleasure that glows and beckons on the horizon of our lock down days.

It’s lovely to collapse in front of a Netflix series. (I restrain myself from enthusing about South Korean dramas). Perhaps you reach for chocolate or a glass of wine?

We can seize even these moments for God. At the very least, we must honor him by avoiding excess and refusing illegitimate ‘comforts’ like pornography. More significantly, this is the moment to point our hearts towards what they truly need most.

No substance or distraction can satisfy the hunger and thirst of our souls. So as you take your evening comfort, remember Jesus’ words:

‘I am the bread of life; whoever comes to me will never go hungry and whoever believes in me will never be thirsty.’ (John 6:35)

In other words, let every lockdown treat point you to the ultimate satisfaction we can only find in Jesus.

And in case you are wondering if your pleasure means more to you than him, here’s the test: are you willing to ‘fast’ from it?

#5 Winding down and switching off

When we sleep, we are oblivious to our surroundings, helplessly vulnerable and entirely unproductive. Who will guard us? Psalm 4:8 gives the reassuring answer:

‘I lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety.’

Do you have trouble sleeping? Lockdown hasn’t made it any easier, reducing exercise and increasing worry.

Maybe it would help to think of bedtime as an exercise in faith and trust. Try reading a few verses of a Psalm and praying the Lord’s Prayer before you turn off your light.  

As I curl myself into fetal position for the night, I like to remind myself of Psalm 4:8. It’s a sort of pillow to relax into.

In stressful times, I make a mental list of my worries and physically hand them, as it were, to God. He can carry them while we sleep.

And if you do wake in the night, don’t fret. Your Father is awake too and knows where you are. So remember him through the watches of the night and be at peace (Psalm 63:6).

Living Alone - by Adam Curtis

Hello, my name is Adam and I live alone. Lockdown has made this an interesting experience. Below is some wisdom primarily aimed at Christians, but I hope those who don’t know Jesus as Lord will also find it helpful.  

5 Principles:

#1 You live by yourself, but you are not alone.

Somedays it is just me. I wake up. I roll out of bed. I eat my breakfast. I shower. I read the Bible.  I start work. I go for a run. I have lunch. I do more work. I make dinner. I watch TV. I pray. I go to bed. I can go through a whole day seeing no one. And yet, since living in this flat I have never spent a day by myself. God is present in all situations, and to those who call Jesus Lord he is present as a friend.

#2 God has put you here.

I’ve had two potential housemates since August but in the end neither of them has decided to move to Sidcup. Even though living alone was not my plan, it is God’s. He has put all of us who live alone in these situations for a reason. What is that reason you ask? I think we will each have to work that out by ourselves. Maybe he wants me to get to know my neighbors. Maybe he just wants me to learn to live with myself. I think only time will tell.

#3 People need people.

God did not make us to dwell in isolation. He made us for relationships. Primarily with him, but also with others. When the first Adam lived alone God said that this was not good and he made him a companion. Introverts and extroverts all need people. If we can bubble we should bubble, if we can walk then we should go for walks with others. We should arrange weekly Zooms and phone calls. We should do whatever the law allows so that we can see people.

#4 Choose love.

At Christmas time I read a BBC article giving tips to those living alone during the holidays. The article was well written and yet something was missing. It took me a few days to work it out. Every single bit of advice I was given was about ‘self-care’ and at no point did they encourage me to think about other people. Jesus said the second greatest commandment is to “love your neighbor as you love yourself.” Even though we live alone, we need to make sure we are fighting our own selfish desires and seeking to serve those around us. So, whether it includes volunteering your time or calling someone up, choose love.  

#5 This time is spiritually significant.

When you live by yourself it is easy to kid yourself that you are in some kind of hibernation from the world and this time alone has no real significance. No one sees what we do or what we don’t do. But with God, there is no moment that is spiritually neutral. We are either leaning in towards him, or we are leaning away from him. We are either growing in our knowledge and love of Christ, or we are growing in our disobedience. Remember, the world may be asleep, but the devil is still at work.

5 tips:

#1 Work out who is good for you and who you are good for.

We all need people who are going to lift us up. People who encourage us and make us laugh. So, work out who is good for your soul and make time for them. But we are not here simply to serve ourselves. Who in your life needs you? Maybe it is a friend who is in need? Maybe it is someone with a smaller social circle? Maybe there is someone isolated in Church? Maybe you do not know, and you need to take time asking the Lord for guidance.

#2 Delight in the small things.

Our worlds are exceedingly small at the moment, and yet they’re filled with tiny little gifts from God. Everything that you own and possess has been given to you from his hand. So, no matter how small it is, if it gives you joy then delight in it and give him thanks for it. I think that as we cultivate thankfulness our eyes will be opened to all the other good gifts that the Lord has given us and gratitude to Him will come to fill our hearts.

#3 Reach out.

I don’t know about you, but often when I’m feeling low I shut myself away, and in the end make the whole thing so much worse. In those moments when we feel down, we need to reach out. Because we live alone no one else will know how we are feeling, so we need to be pro-active and tell them. Remember, the Church is a family, we are each other’s brothers and sisters. We can tell each other when things are not ok.

#4 Be intentional.

I have written up on my wall “those who fail to plan, plan to fail” and I think it is so true. In these times spontaneous social events or sporting activities are not going to happen. So, we need to be intentional and make them happen. Write a list of who you are going to call and plan when you’re going to do it. Plan your days off and who you will go for a walk with. Set yourself exercise goals and challenges. Arrange to read a book with a friend and chat about it each week. Establish when you’re going to do your daily Bible time and stick to it.

#5 Preach the gospel to yourself.

Many times over lockdown I have failed, and yet I am not a failure. Not because I pick myself up or decide to “be true to myself” or other rubbish like that, but because my identity is not found in my actions but is rooted in Christ. Lockdown has given me plenty of time to dwell on my failings and past mistakes, to feed my selfishness and to revel in my sin. Yet because I believe in Jesus, I am clean and forgiven. This liberating truth we all need to hear and so daily we all need to preach the gospel to ourselves. 

Acknowledgements:

Many thanks to Helen, Kristi, Anthea, Chris, Pamela, Sam, Ellie, Michael, Jenny, and Sophia for sharing their wisdom with me. And to all those who commented on my Facebook post. I thank you for your observations, I hope I did them justice, and I’m sorry for not including them all.